Relationships provide us with a structure that promises affection, affection, care, attention, mutual understanding and a number of other things that society and culture have been responsible for reinforcing through art, music, romanticism and religion. . The social premise is “if you are in a relationship it means that you are succeeding in life” and “if you are not in a relationship it means that there is something that is not working well for you.”
In these two premises we find two opposite poles where there is no middle ground or nuances in relational concepts. Relationship = good, without a partner = bad.
If we observe the nuances of these premises we find a number of inconsistencies that completely overturn what society has led us to believe. There are relationships that are considered hell, just as there are people who live happily and fully without the need to be in a relationship. We also find relational dynamics such as open relationships and their multiple subcategories, polyamory and many others not yet classified.
In a therapy session I was exploring the possibility of a separation with a patient whose difficulty lay in the one-sided arguments he was having with his wife. I asked him to imagine what his life would be like if he separated from his wife of 13 years and they had a daughter. His response was “I would feel like I have failed, without motivation and as if the ground were being taken away from me.” He went on to explain that marriage gave structure to his life and that in the time he had been married he had neglected his relationships with his friends.
It seemed paradoxical to me that this structure or floor that he mentioned was not strong, consistent and solid enough to persist without the relationship. In my mind I thought of a rented apartment; It guarantees you a temporary subsistence, but it is not your own apartment where you build and invest in yourself.
In Polysecure: attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy , Jessica Fern talks about the sense of false security and structure that marriage provides. When the couple begins to explore other ways of relating, questions, jealousy, disagreements arise, emotional triggers of all categories that easily shake the marriage structure like a house of cards.
According to psychologists, John & Julie Gottman there are two key elements that separate successful couples from unsuccessful couples; quality communication (empathy and trust) and the ability to resolve conflicts. They suggest that couples should meet once a week for 2 or 3 hours to talk about multiple aspects of the relationship and reach agreements where both parties feel benefited. Both people feel heard and their needs valued and considered. In this sense, each person is investing in their well-being, in their home. And if at some point the relationship ends then they continue to build on its stable and reliable solid foundation.
In a relationship, as in any partnership or business, I must feel that my investment of time, money and efforts has a return that benefits me for life. When I start to lose my investment it means that the business or the association is not working.