Emotional attachment is how as children we learned to give and receive affection. We create patterns, beliefs and relational behaviors based on how our parents related to us between the ages of 0 and 7. We use this same system of beliefs, patterns and behaviors in our emotional relationships with friends, partners and co-workers. Therefore, we project all of our insecurities, fears, and values onto these relationships. We project healthy patterns as unhealthy patterns in our relationships without knowing how to differentiate. There are four attachment styles that we form from experiences in our childhood; anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, secure and disorganized insecure. Attachment styles are changing and organic; They can change according to the context, the people you interact with, if you have had a traumatic experience. Therefore, they are not fixed and what this approach aims to do is understand the attachment style you project in your current relationship and why.
If you have identified that you have emotional codependency then you most likely have an anxious/ambivalent attachment style. An anxious and ambivalent attachment style comes from a childhood in which love and affection occur inconsistently. The parents would have been too intrusive and affectionate or completely absent physically and emotionally. It occurs in distracted or absent parents who would be dealing with their own emotional difficulties, work or day-to-day responsibilities, which prevents them from being available for their children. However, when they have resolved work or emotional issues, they would be completely available, affectionate and loving. Within that limited attention span, the parent will become involved, playful, and pay too much attention to the child.
This type of fluctuations in affection generates an anxious state since the child does not know when he will have his parents' affection and when it will be withdrawn. Because love and attention is given inconsistently, it means it can appear and withdraw at any time without warning. Children will see love, affection and attention as something to be secured and controlled. They will behave in an angry and jealous manner to secure their parents' love and attention or as a way to get their attention. They will become anxious when parents leave and angry when they return, fearing imminent abandonment but tired and overwhelmed by their attention; trapped in the cycle of feeling abandoned and fearing attention without knowing how to deal with it for fear of being abandoned again.
In adult relationships these patterns of affection manifest as
controlling, obsessive and distrustful behaviors of a couple's love and commitment. Review the following list to learn the full range of behaviors that occur in adults since emotional codependency is directly related to the anxious and ambivalent attachment style. It is very important to understand your attachment style and where it comes from. Why do these symptoms occur? You may have beliefs like “No one loves me” or “I always have to fight for someone to love me” because this was what you were taught in your childhood and therefore, you have created a whole structure of beliefs that determine your emotions, your level of self-worth and the way you behave in your emotional relationships. However, none of this is true and you can create another belief system based on love, worthiness and self-worth by changing the belief system that has been imprinted in your childhood through your relationship with your parents.